By: Nicki Reid, Bilingual BA
Have you ever felt like:
✖️you’re not doing enough?
✖️you’re not (good) enough?
✖️you’re not doing the right thing?
✖️you’re screwing up your children?
Well mama, you are not alone. I was recently discussing with my husband how REAL this mental battle is. Some days are good, while other days, I feel like I am fighting for my life. One evening, my family and I were watching a docu-series on Netflix called, “Live to 100: Secrets of The Blue Zones” (which I highly recommend watching, by the way). I don’t recall at what point during the documentary that it happened, but I broke down in tears. I sobbed in my husband’s arms that I was a bad mom. My children heard, which I wasn’t expecting them to as my words were inaudible (or so I thought) through my sobs and they came over, comforted, and reassured me that I wasn’t a bad mom - which made me cry even more. I try not to cry in front of my children or anyone for that matter because to me it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing; but the truth is, sometimes that release is necessary. It is important to me that my children connect with their own humanity by not only embracing the fullness and depth of the range of their emotions; but also through witnessing vulnerability being displayed. I was denied that safety to be human growing up. Navigating this world as a (young) Black woman, it was not safe to cry because our emotions, especially our tears and even more so our (very) warranted rage got (and continue to get) weaponized against us. Furthermore, no one was coming to save us, we weren’t deemed worthy of this privilege, so instead of “wasting time” crying, that time would be better spent taking action and doing something about the source of our tears.
Throughout my life, whenever I would witness mothers interacting with their children I would make mental notes of how I would parent my (potential) future children. I was reassured by those around me (including my then therapist) that the fact that I had that level of awareness, indicated that I already was on the path to becoming a good mom. But what exactly constitutes a good mom? That may look different for everyone, but I think there are a few key things to take into consideration. If your child(ren):
✔️feel(s) safe in your presence and they want to be around you.
✔️love(s) you and they tell you they love you.
✔️tell(s) you you’re a good mom and list reasons why you’re a good mom.
✔️trust(s) you.
Mama, if you experience any of the above - you have WON, you are WINNING! Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Raising and caregiving for (tiny) humans is no walk in the park. Combatting those voices in your head can be HARD. Rejecting those narratives that people have spoken over you or into your life is not an easy feat. Loving and affirming yourself despite your imperfections is an act of courage and bravery. If ever you feel like succumbing to those stories, know that you’re not alone.
To help me navigate through those moments, here are a few things that I do:
Mama, these moments happen to the best of us. If you haven’t heard this or told yourself this yet today; remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have and that is enough. You are ENOUGH. You are a good mom and you’re doing a GREAT job; celebrate that because you deserve to.
Take deep care and be well, mama.
Nicki Reid, Bilingual BA
Certified Transformational Coach | Certified Essential Oil Specialist |
Certified ARōMATOUCH Practitioner | 200 YTT , Wholesome Mind Health Coaching