Grieving While Being Grateful: Navigating Human Duality as a Mama
My uncle recently transitioned to the ancestral realm. Although he was more like a father figure to me being present for me during a critical time in my life when my own father wasn’t. His transition has been and is continuing to be felt by many across race, gender, class, socioeconomic status, creed, etc. I don’t think that there are any words that I could use to begin to describe the magnitude and impact of his life that would do him justice. Hearing about his transition, I felt conflicted as it came on the heels of me receiving the news that I had successfully completed a certification I had been working on. I found myself in a predicament where I was grieving, but also grateful. Grateful for not only seeing the fruits of my labor, but for having crossed paths with my uncle, having been able to spend time with him, and for all the wisdom and life lessons that he had imparted with me.
By: Nicki Reid, Bilingual BA
Trigger warning: this blog mentions death, please proceed at your discretion.
My uncle recently transitioned to the ancestral realm. Although he was more like a father figure to me being present for me during a critical time in my life when my own father wasn’t. His transition has been and is continuing to be felt by many across race, gender, class, socioeconomic status, creed, etc. I don’t think that there are any words that I could use to begin to describe the magnitude and impact of his life that would do him justice. Hearing about his transition, I felt conflicted as it came on the heels of me receiving the news that I had successfully completed a certification I had been working on. I found myself in a predicament where I was grieving, but also grateful. Grateful for not only seeing the fruits of my labor, but for having crossed paths with my uncle, having been able to spend time with him, and for all the wisdom and life lessons that he had imparted with me.
Death is a part of life. With that being said, I don’t have all the answers, I’m simply a fellow spiritual being having a human experience. I believe that there is more than one way to show up and navigate through this world and the same can be said for working through your grief. What I share in this blog is not meant to be received as the (only) way of dealing with grief, but more as a suggestion of where you might start if you have felt like me: overwhelmed and not sure of where to begin. I invite you to go inward and sit with yourself to determine what your (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) body is in need of. The most important thing is that you do what works for you; whether that’s binge watching your favorite show, journaling, crying until you feel like you can’t anymore, slowing down your pace, doing less - whatever is necessary.
Start with taking deep care of yourself, this looks like: nourishing ALL of your bodies - the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. If you’re anything like me, anytime I am feeling sad, upset, stressed out, etc. my self care is the first thing to go. I don’t want to eat (due to loss of appetite), move my body, hydrate - I don’t want to do anything except stay in bed and self isolate.
Physical Care
Nourish your physical body by eating. If you are experiencing a loss of appetite - at the very least hydrate with some lemon water, coconut water, or herbal tea like chamomile. Maybe try consuming smaller meals throughout your day, like an apple with a nut butter of your choice or some veggies like carrots or celery with hummus or warm up some canned soup in the microwave.
If you are up for it, move your body - practice some yoga, go for a walk, follow along with a workout online from home, take your workout outside, or visit the gym.
Mental and Emotional Care
Create the time and space to feel and express your feelings. As a mama, I KNOW how challenging this can be. I’ve seen some mamas online share what “mom life” is like when you want to break down, but you can’t because you still have to show up and “power through” the many tasks and responsibilities that await us. Life is still happening. Capitalism does not sleep - bills still need to be paid, deadlines need to be met, you gotta (go to) work, keep a roof over your family's head, feed and clothe them, take care of yourself, and more. There have been times when I have felt overwhelmed by the demands of life because I’ve been wanting to grieve and felt like I wasn’t able to and then I remembered, while it is true that time doesn’t stop and life keeps going, I am in control and I get to create the time and space that I need to process my feelings.
I mentioned self-isolating earlier and to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with spending time alone; but retreating from the world in order to figure your way through this process is not the move (coming from someone who is working on not doing this). You do not have to be in this space alone, reach out to loved ones, those in your community, and / or talk to a therapist. They can offer some helpful tips and strategies to help you work through your situation. For instance, my therapist suggested I create a memory box and write down the good memories I have with my uncle to add to the box and doing so has been helping me through this time.
Spiritual Care
What spiritual practices do you have - prayer, meditation, something else? Tap into them. Maybe you increase the frequency at which you perform your rituals. Lean on those in your spiritual community, they will help to carry you through.
In conclusion, know that the grief process is a journey; there is no arrival or final destination. There may be some days when you feel okay or maybe even great while on other days, you may feel like the weight of the grief you are experiencing will crush you. It may sneak up on you and hit you like a ton of bricks. I invite you to create a plan for those days. You may do one thing or a combination of things, it could also vary throughout your day. Do whatever best supports you. Know that those days are normal, there is nothing wrong with you and it is a part of the human experience. On those days, be gentle and kind to yourself, give yourself extra amounts of grace and space to be with your experience and allow yourself to process it.
Until next time, take the deepest care and be well, Mama.
